You can send me messages via Matrix at @zachary:lolicons.org
I started archiving the SiIvaGunner YouTube channel. You can find the archive here.
My English professor said I had a "powerful writing voice" and described my writing as "analytical." I like that women can make you feel good about dumb things like that. She also brought up my tendency for late work. I told her I was very tired.
Never called anyone.
I finally told Dr. C that I received several rejection letters. He had asked about it a few times before and I always just said that I hadn't heard anything back. There was always so many other people around, and I was embarrassed to say. Finally, yesterday on the way out of class he asked "Still nothing?" and I managed to find the nerve to reply "Nothing good." He looked so sad for me and said sorry in the most pathetic way that I thought I should be apologizing to him. I suppose I did just that, coming up with reasons that I shouldn't feel so bad and by extension he shouldn't feel so bad. It's a failure communion that Dr. C didn't or perhaps couldn't realize that his consolation was making me feel worse.
I never called my family yesterday; I'll try to do it on my way to work. I have a project to do tonight as well as grade projects for another class. I still want to post Therapy on here but I never got around to it yesterday. I did just homework and watched stuff with John and Glenn. John and I watched A Fistful of Dollars but it wasn't nearly as good as Once Upon a Time in the West.
Mom just texted me that my last tuition payment was complete. I thanked her and wished her a Happy Easter, so I guess I don't have to call her now.
I set up a Matrix server on this site. I really like the concept of Matrix and I hope it replaces Discord one day.
I'll mostly be doing homework today. John said we might watch a movie later, most likely beginning the Dollars trilogy. The other night we watched Once Upon a Time in the West, The Graduate, and Chicago. The former and latter were pretty good, but The Graduate was fantastic.
I didn't realize today was Easter until I tried to get food at Canes only to find it closed. I should call my family.
My new year's resolution this year was to start a diary. I kept a paper diary for about three days before abandoning it. I wrote another entry about two weeks ago lamenting about how I was unable to keep a simple diary for more than a few days and about how I didn't know where to by Adderall. I really enjoy working on this site so I thought I would move the diary here in an attempt to motivate me to write in it. I might also feel more compelled to write in it if it's technically public to some degree. I've transcribed my original entries here for completeness:
December 27, 2022
Tuesday
My new year's resolution for 2023 is to begin keeping track of my daily activities again. I used to keep a daily planner before the pandemic, and maybe for the first year of it, but stopped at some point. In spring of 2020, before the lockdowns, I was taking 18 hours of courses, teaching a mechanics lab, exercising daily, dieting, studying Japanese daily, reading Higurashi daily, and I ended the semester with a 4.0. I attribute this exceptional work ethic to my consistent schedule, and I attribute my consistent schedule to my daily planner. Thus, I resolve to write in this diary once a day. The format of the entries is still fluid, but I expect to record personal monologues like this only intermittently. I will try to write goals for the folling day during each entry, and cross them off as they are completed. Long-term, I would like to:
- Diet, and record calories in this book
- Study Japanese daily
- Study science/math daily
- Commit daily time to other projects
- Eventually, exercise
December 28, 2022
Wednesday
Send recommendation emails from Rice and RochesterThank Virginia for Christmas cards- Call Volkswagon about collant light
- Fix memory issue in SxD
- Rewrite 2nd and 3rd paragraphs of Therapy
Lucky Charms w/ whole milk: 300 cal
Chicken salad: ?
Ice cream: ?
Baked Christmas treats: ?Went with Mom to thrift stores and to get new phones. Researched a lot about camera lens. Found a cheap artsy one, $69, will most likely purchase if kit lens isn't good for a webcam. Didn't do 3 of the 5 goals, tomorrow's goals will be to finish those. Did a medium-okay job at dieting, did poor at recording calories.
SxD is a Python library I was/am writing for video game development. Therapy was a very short story I was writing. I will likely post it in the coming days.
December 29, 2022
Thursday
- Call Volkswagon about coolant light
Fix memory issue in SxD- Rewrite 2nd and 3rd paragraphs of Therapy
Lucky Charms w/ whole milk, large: 450 cal
Chicken pot pie: 610 cal
Goldfish: 150 cal
Grilled chicken sandwich: ?
March 23, 2023
Thursday
I have done an astoundingly terrible job at keeping this diary. I have not dieted nor exercised, nor have I refilled my car's coolant. Dr. C finally told me to grade faster.
I've received two rejections, Boulder and Rice, from the seven schools that I applied to. I'm anticipating five more. Gokul says he's trying to convince Priyantha to fund my PhD at UT, which would be incredible, but I'm likely setting myself up for more disappointment. Still, even as I write this, I cannot curb my hope. Maybe it gives me an excuse not to search for jobs.
I've been having a lot of doomer thoughts lately. I feel like my future is so uncertain, and like I'm so inadequate. I couldn't even keep a diary for more than a couple days. My grades have fallen. I don't know what's going to happen. I don't know where to buy Adderall.
I have sinced received two more rejections, from Rochester and USC. I don't know if I truly believe that I'm getting rejected from the other three. I keep telling myself that I am, and it seems so obvious that I am whenever I see people much more qualified that me getting rejected, but every time a new rejection comes in it feels so crushing, like my life depended on getting in. I never get used to it. I receive a letter, and it makes me feel so terrible about myself, to the point I have to drag my feet through my days doing very basic tasks like going to class and going to work that feel so pointless and vain. Then I slowly start to recover and pull myself together, just before another rejection comes in and sends me back down into a hole that seems impossibly deep, as if I'm suffering a tragedy that I have to relive over and over.
I spent most of today working on this site and watching videos of people confronting others over not taking their shopping carts back to the corral. This is something I've felt very strongly about recently. I'll likely spend the rest of today working on this site.
Yesterday, David and Glenn came over to watch Higurashi. We only made it through one episode since we got sidetracked doing other things. I don't care about making such little progress, but Glenn likes to complain about it. Glenn and I agreed to perform a sock puppet show reenacting the entirety of Kara no Shoujo in order to catch David up to speed so he can join us for Kara no Shoujo 2 once we finish Higurashi. He said he would make the puppets if I wrote the script, but I am skeptical of this.
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